Yesterday I had to go to a memorial service for a good friend of mine that died a year ago. I can't believe a year has passed. I can't believe how much has changed over the course of one year. I can't believe how one year could have honestly been so shitty.
What was even stranger was going back and seeing some people I haven't seen since this time last year, and watching the way they mourn. Or rather, how they expect other people to mourn. I honestly found myself standing there, unable to muster up the smallest amount of emotion, saying to myself just cry, just cry, just cry . Why is that? Because I felt I was being judged based on my need to move on past the whole thing.
They also kept referring to his suicide as a "tragic accident". I wanted to just stand up and scream, "It wasn't an accident! He chose it!". I don't know, maybe I'm the one out of line here. Maybe I don't understand things the way I thought I did. It may be cold, but my perspective on this situation has changed from what it was last year. I love him. I miss him. I cry sometimes. Like when I think I see him on the train. But we have to say goodbye. We don't need a memorial every year to remind us that he was once a part of our lives. Just like I don't need to be best friends with every person that's ever touched me in my life, I don't need to spend every waking moment carrying this "tragic accident" around on my sleeve. Nor should I be expected to on this fucking guilt trip his family likes to put everyone through. You show me where it's written in a law that I have to grieve in a certain way, and by all means I'll try and follow it.
Anyway, after this short, very warped memorial we all gathered for coffee and cake and such. I felt so awkward. And it just so happened I was standing next to a giant plate of cookies. And it just so happened that instead of making awkward conversation with one of his family members, I decided to systematically eat an entire plate of cookies. Yep, that's right...I'd say like fifteen total. I hadn't eaten anything all morning because I was so nervous. I was terrified I was going to have some sort of breakdown of Scarlet O'Hara like proportions. Instead, when I felt nothing, I decided it was time that I eat an entire plate of cookies. No one noticed thank god, but I had to laugh thinking that if Scott had been there, he would have been the one standing in the corner with me eating all the cookies.
And suddenly at moments like that everything is OK. Mostly because there's cookies. But also because the world moves- and when we get over all of our selfish dramatic shit- we realize how easily we can move with it. I had a situation last week involving a good friend of mine where I realized how easily we can choose to feel angry or selfish instead of being a big person. True to my impulsive nature, I of course chose to go with the angry/selfish side because freighting enough, this is the automatic place I go when I feel uncomfortable. I push being mature away because it's just easier that way. It's my mother in me, I guess. But I don't want to be that person. I'm trying not to be. I'm sick of thinking that my first priority must always be to protect myself. From what? That's the thing...I don't know. People suck and they hurt people. I've sucked and I've hurt people. And I probably will again. It just happens. You cry about it, you learn a lesson, and then you move on. When I got into a fight with a friend of mine recently I said something to the effect of, "It seems like you just have a lot to figure out about yourself and the way you want to be" And he responded saying, "So does everyone else. We're always going to have stuff to figure out". Well here's to figuring it out, little by little. And here's to forgiveness.
I think I finally forgave Scott yesterday. I don't know if he needed it, but I needed to give it to him. And it continues to surprise me how easy it is to love people as opposed to hating them.
So there's my sappy self-realization for this week. Next week...I tackle the problem of evil and global warming.
When in doubt, cookies always help.
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